Turkey Day Inventions [REDUX]

[One of my first blog posts, written in the dark days of 2009, concerned Thanksgiving day inventions. I re-post this here, with minor updates based on dramatic life changes. ]


Necessity, they say, is the mother of invention. This truism is never more clear than in the kitchen. Millions of man hours have been spent hunched over hocks of meat, bowls of flour and piles of vegetables. It makes sense then that the inventions directed to freeing up the cook to cook are some of the oldest patents on record.

I decided to think of some of the kitchen inventions that a Pilgrim would have traded a shipment of Belt-buckle hats for.



A hand cranked apple peeler, corer and slicer patented in 1893 (PN # 508,137) would have saved Pilgrims countless man-hours. Giving them more time during the day to pray, not dance, and contemplate their terrifying existence at the edge of the world.


The mixing stand. (PN #2,390,742) No stranger to the denizens of wedding registries the world over, the mixing stand would have saved "Goody" Housewife countless hours of effort and the associated repetitive strain injuries of mashing all manner of root, tuber and vegetable. First patented in 1939, the mixing stand was licensed to A.F. Dormeyer Mfg Co. under the trade-name "Mix-Rite". This "striking" stand-mixer would have freed up plenty of time for Pilgrims to contemplate the high-rate of  "Consumption" and vitamin-deficiency related illness endemic to the populace.

The Mechanical Refrigerator (PN # 2,089,851). Also patented in the late 1930's, this invention described the use of fluid (namely Freon) expansion to provide the cooling mechanism to preserve foods. Something that would have aided the Pilgrims greatly. Nothing says pointless effort like spending 3 days to prepare a feast and having most of the left-overs spoil in half that time.



Antibiotics (numerous patents). While not necessarily Thanksgiving specific inventions, Pilgrims would have traded all the muskets and bibles they had for a few doses of modern-day broad spectrum anti-biotic.

The accepted statistic is that there were 7 graves dug for every new house built in the early settlement period. Most of these were deaths do to disease and infant mortality, both of which modern medical science has made great strides in minimizing. That is what we should really be thankful for.

[G|A]

Terrors of the Patent Office [ Halloween Patents]

Nothing gets the inventive process moving like a commercial holiday. Unlike Christmas, Halloween lacks a committed religious lobby arguing that the festival has become too commercialized. Gaelic Druids, engaging in their Samhain Festivities, would probably be in awe of the variety and sophistication of modern creepy faced gourd lanterns. (a particularly creepy turnip Samhain lantern seen at left)

A quick search of the patent office provides several excellent updates of this apparently ancient tradition of making disturbing faces on otherwise inedible tubers. (Yes, I find turnips inedible...)

Everyone likes a menacingly happy Jack-O-Lantern. That's why, in 1907,  JC Tyndall of  St. Louis decided to file and get a patent (No. 848,938 on a "Toy Lantern"). Tyndall realized that the weak point of any Pumpkin light was the cap, and the susceptibility of the entire enterprise ending in a pumpkin scented conflagration. therefore, his pumpkin lantern includes a candle retainer, and an interlocking cap and gimbals mechanism for easy transport. the Specification does not detail why the eyebrows are so disturbingly curved.

In the continued vein of creepy faced pumpkin products, we move onto B. Wilmsen's particularly threatening Jack-O-Lantern patent issued in 1934. (No. 94,935 on a "Pumpkin Lantern").Tyndall had actually technology. Wilmsen make up for his lack of technical sophistication in this design patent with existential pumpkin-faced dread. His products nearly vertical optical orbs scream "infringe me if you dare!"

Lastly, we have an epileptic seizure inducing pumpkin Lantern. The psychedelic 1960's produced some interesting and mind altering experiences.  None of these hold an electronic candle to a double faced Janus-like Pumpkin invented by R.R. Authier of Oaks Bluff Mass and issued as Pat. No. 3,250,910. (Ed: Martha's vineyards for those who don't know).This specialty lantern has dual faces, one scary and one comical. In addition, it contains selectively operated light sources of differing colors. Lastly, these lights can blink or strobe, producing the red flashing eyes of a haunted monstrosity, in pumpkin form.


Always remember to check the patent office for particularly excellent holiday ideas.